India

Warning: I am not the best person to write this blog. It is better written by Venkat Swaminathan, Ramesh Srivats or Son of Bosey.

It all started with a conversation me and Venkat had in Facebook about SunTV going HD and Venkat said:

Sun TV has recently announced HD TV broadcast. How would you like TDK dubbed over in Tamil? Batman talking to the Joker in the gravelly voice, “Naaye! Unna naan enna panren paaru…”

I have been waiting for a reason to try out the new gmail transliteration and write a tamil blog, so I got my excuse. In the end, it was nearly not as funny as I thought it would be, I realized, to my horror, that I just don’t remember and recollect enough tamil words any more . For instance, what is the tamil word for ‘mob’ or ‘plan’ ?

Any way, I love watching mixed language television. When channel browsing, I often stop at Telemundo to watch whatever is running, often stopping at what seems like the Hispanic version of Jerry Springer, only that the Jerry Springer equivalent and the slut are usually much much more hotter. (Hello couch, here I come . And there is nothing cooler than watching Arnie say ‘Vuelvo en seguida’ .

SunTV (the premier tamil TV channel) has these stupid movies that they trans-literate and run blockbuster movies every other weekend. These movies are dubbed by discarded TV stars and dubbed, rather poorly and trans-literated.

Now, I am a huge TDK fan. I have watched the movie 4+ times already and can rattle out dialogues as the movie flows. Just to think that the movie would some day be murdered in SunTV gives me the shivers.

Beyond this point, you need to be able to read Tamil. If you call yourself a Tamil and can’t read it, you have to ‘put’ 108 thopu karanman and ask your spouse or friend to read it to you. Here are some killer quotes which would be transliterated in the movie.

After much debate, the movie would be named கருப்பு தளபதி, at which point the moronic fans of சிம்பு and விஜய் would abuse each other who the real கருப்பு தளபதி is.

I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it! You know…I just do things.
நான் கார தொரத்துற நாய். ஒன்ன புடிச்சா என்ன பண்ணனும்னு தெரியாது. நான் என்ன பண்றேன் தெரியுமா? சும்மா சில விஷயங்கள செய்வேன் – அவ்வளவு தான்.

Well, hello beautiful.
அட, ஆகா அழகியே.

You must be Harvey’s squeeze.
நீ தான் அரவிந்தோட ஆளா? (the dialog writers would spend a bottle of scotch to decide if it is ஆளா or கட்டையா

I believe…whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you…stranger.
நான் என்ன நினைகிறேன்னா… எது உன்னை கொல்லலையொ… அது உன்னை… வினோதம் ஆக்குது.

Let’s put a smile on that face!
அந்த முகத்தில ஒரு சிரிப்பு போடுவோம்.

Now there’s a Batman.
வாடா வவ்வால் பயலே, வா.

How ’bout a magic trick?
ஒரு வித்தை பண்ணட்டுமா?

Why so serious?
ஏன் இப்போ கவலை?

This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.
ஒரு நகாராத சாமான் மேல நிறுத்த முடியாத வேகம் சேர்ந்தா இது தான் நடக்கும்.

The mob has plans. The cops have plans. Gordon’s got plans. They’re schemers.
குண்டங்களுக்கு விவகாரம் இருக்கு. போலீசுக்கு விவகாரம் இருக்கு. கோவிந்தனுக்கு விவகாரம் இருக்கு. அவங்க எல்லாம் எப்போவும் யோசிச்சிட்டே இருப்பாங்க.

I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve.
நான் ஒண்ணும் பூதம் இல்லே. நான் கொஞ்சம் முன்னாலே இருக்கேன் அவ்வளவு தான்.

I’m an agent of chaos.
நான் சாத்தானின் ஆள்.

Never start with the head.
தலையிலே ஆரம்பிக்காதே பாவி.

“And… here… we… go” !
நாம இப்போ …. ஆரம்பிக்கலாமா?

If Coleman Reese isn’t dead in sixty minutes, then I blow up a hospital
காளப்பன் இன்னும் அறுவது நிமிஷத்திலே சாகலேன்னா, நான் ஒரு ஆஸ்பத்திரிய வெடி வச்சு தகர்க்க போறேன்.

Thats it. As I said, it was nowhere near as funny it can be or should be, but I didn’t want all my typing to go waste

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It started when the classic Snake and Brahmin phrase was uttered last November.

‘If a Brahmin and snake are seen together, the Brahmin must be killed first!’

Ever since that, snakes are seeking company of Brahmins in various parts of Tamil Nadu. They have been actively ignoring their snake mounds and are seeking the presence of Brahmins, often startling people in their home.

“It is yet another Aryan conspiracy” said Mr. T. Chudaroli, President of the D.D.M.P.P.K party, “Ever since these fellows entered India through the Khyber Pass, it has been one thing after the other”, “They took our land, they took our language, they took our jobs, and now they are even taking our snakes”. “This conspiracy of facist Brahmins must be exposed”.

“It shows the advancement of Tamil Nadu I.T over Karnataka and Andhra”, said one TamilRulz, in a comment to a news item in rediff.com. “It is only because Chennai has the best internet connections and wi-fi everywhere, even snakes can read the internet and figure out what to do”. “You don’t see snakes in Hyderabad do this, Chennai is the best”.

“Punnakku” – summarized Echumi Patti, 85, when we interviewed her in her son’s flat in West Mambalam. “It is all in the Sambar. Only we make authentic arachu-vitta sambar. When I lived in Tediyur Agraharam, every time I did arachu-vitta sambar, every dog, cat and snake would pay a visit”.

“My mother is one hundred and fifty percent correct” said Mr. N.Mahalingam. “No one makes Arachu-vitta sambar like us.” “The only other place they make this sambar is in Komala Vilas in California”. “You know my son, M. Narayanan is a Senior Deputy Manager at a big insurance company there. He is a very smart fellow. He is so smart that the U.S Government gave him the Green Card before every one else. In fact, last year, the Americans let him buy a very big bungalow without having to put any money of his own. Imagine that. That fellow is very brilliant I say. He even got a very good bonus last month”.

This unique snake problem is not isolated to Tamil Nadu, some snakes even followed students to B.I.T.S Pilani when they started their school after December break. Not every one is happy about the snake situation. Mr. P. Karthik, a first year student doing B.E said “These snakes are so stupid. There is no reason why they are all hanging around that stupid fellow Varadan’s room. He only got 1189 in his +2 exams. I got 1193. I was state rank number 7. I am the topper”.

All effort to get the opinion of the snakes have been failures, unfortunately.

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